Some funnies

[Tony.T]

I haven't uploaded Jokes for some time. Hope you enjoy these.....

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair

with his secretary.

One day they went to her place

and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep

and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed

and told his lover to take his shoes

outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.

We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!'

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters

but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time

for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant

and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery

to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child

he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can

be the father of this baby.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!

Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:

'No, not this time!'

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,

about to be cremated,

and made a startling discovery.

Schwartz had the largest private part

he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician

commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated

with such an impressive private part.

It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,

stuffed it into his briefcase,

and took it home.

'I have something to show

you won't believe,' he said to his wife,

opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,

'Schwartz is dead!'

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover

when she heard her husband

opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,

then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'

she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired

as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.

'The Smiths bought one and I liked it

so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,

not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,

went to the kitchen and returned

with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.

I stood like that for two days at the Smiths

and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,

went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:

'How much for a nice juicy steak

and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.

'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:

'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs

with your wife?'

The bartender replied:

'The same thing I'm doing

to his business down here.'

The 6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:

'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied

'No,' he insisted,

'I want to die in peace.

I slept with your sister, your best friend,

her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.

'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

[Christina Rose]

nice jokes......

[AJLA]

Good one Mr T  ;D ;D

[NeilT]

Nice one Tony  

[TeriW]

;D love the statue one  haha

[Magenta]

I hope these dont offend

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.

Talk about Dyson with death.

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife. They said "is this your wife sir?".

Shocked I answered " yes". They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus".

I said "I know but she has a lovely personality".

With hindsight I should have posted my facebook status as; "I have blown the head gasket on my 1997 Ford" rather than "I've just f**** a 13 year old escort"

Still, I don't get out enough and a few hours at the police station made a change.

Guy hires a hit man to kill his wife of 40yrs.

The hitman says"It will take 1 shot just below her left breast!

Hubby says"I want her dead not kneecapped!"

I ended up with older woman at club last night.

She looked OK for a 61 year-old.In fact, she wasn't too bad at all I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank bit, had bit of a cuddle and then she asked if I'd ever had Sportsman's Double.'What's that? I asked.

It's mother and daughter threesome,' she... said.I said, 'No,.

We drank a bit more, then went home as she turned light on she shouted u awake mam

Why did god invent orgasms for women?...............So they can still have a moan even when they're enjoying themselves!!

[NeilT]

Happy New Year Magenta ..