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News just in from Olympic team Britain


Tony.T
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OPENING CEREMONY

The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native

of the city (preferably from Tower Hamlets), wearing the traditional

hoody. The flame will be contained in a large chip van situated on the

roof of the stadium.

THE EVENTS

In previous Olympic games, London's competitors have not been

particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the

events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local 'London'

athletes.

100 METRE SPRINT

Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one

in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will

be released from a cage 10 metres behind the athletes.

100 METRE HURDLES

As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, gardens,

fences, walls etc.)

HAMMER

Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to

use (claw, sledge etc.) the winner will be the one who can cause the

most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time

allowed.

FENCING

Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewellery

as possible in 5 minutes.

SHOOTING

A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The

first target will be a moving police van. In the second round,

competitors will aim at a post office clerk , bank teller or Securicor

style wages delivery man.

BOXING

Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and

will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints

of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he

gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS

Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and

take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the

country on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT

As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the

Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON

Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, snorting a line,

joy-riding and arson.

THE MARATHON

A safe route has yet to be decided , but the competitors will be

issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their

way round the course.

SWIMMING

Competitors will be thrown off the bridge into The Thames. The first

three survivors back, will decide the medals.

MEN'S 50KM WALK

Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot

guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of London.

THE CLOSING CEREMONY

Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the

Peckham Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised

rock throwing and music by the Camden Community Choir. The Olympic

flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing

machine onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next to the

stadium. The stadium will be then boarded up before the local athletes

break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating

boiler.

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